fun fact: cucumber in vinegar with pepper = best ever high snack
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
i just got the best bj of my life in the pastors office at church.. Youre right jesus really does love me.
I wouldn't necessarily say I'm in her pants...I'd say I'm more on the on ramp to the freeway to the long way to her pants. There really isn't a short cut.
Weird we were more concerned with sharing our germs than tag teaming the blow job?
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
The last thing I need is a possessed urethra.
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
Why does my mask smell like doritoes?
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