My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
Having sex with the stobe light on was the best bad idea I've ever had.
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
All I'm sayin is that I don't want to raise anything. Or deal with anything. Or having anything come out of my vagina. I mean, I don't think that's asking too much.
I think he's like Cher he's going to live forever but not as scary looking
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
I responded with revoking his blow job privileges. Needless to say, he's learned his lesson.
You are talking to me during sexting hours. Be careful, innuendos are taken seriously
last night is slowly putting itself back together. Its one giant slutty puzzle, all the pieces are covered in tequila and shame.
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
Randomize
