a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
3.50 mugs at the bar.
Nah man, im with an ugly chick. Im waiting til everyone's drunk enough tonight, they don't notice.
How ugly, and does she have friends?
i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
No kidding. I just keep looking at that 'under 21 until 11/21/2011' on my id and whispering "soon enough"
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
He's on the floor in just a Burberry tie. All my girl parts just tapped out.
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
Dude of course I want to. Your penis is beautiful.
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
andy told me i got kicked out of the bar and was so drunk i forgot and got back in line. the bouncer was zero impressed
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
Randomize
