Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
You sucked the drug dealers dick for a 20 of coke...?
Nooo, I payed for that. I sucked his dick because I had an urge.
Its funny that cleaning up pieces of water balloons and shot glasses every morning is becoming a routine
Be still, my beating vagina.
I posted my balls on ericas instagram. It got 17 likes.
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
It was disgusting, and I would've rather licked the condensation off the windows instead, but I figured that's wasn't very ladylike
I just told him I want him to "take the reins". At least its festive sexting?
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
Stealing, and booze. If only you added meaningless sex with random people you would have wrapped all your life passions together
Banged former boss. Adulthood achievement unlocked.
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
Randomize