I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
The guy in the next stall screamed courtesy flush and then puked. Bless you Vegas
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
Did you Fuck minivan and her friend last night?
We picked up some guys dressed as shamrocks at taco bell. I will text you with further information.
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
Attempting to sleep without a bra since i got my nips pierced wish me luck. Also almost sent that to my coworker.
I just had to remind myself that I'm visible in real life. Sitting in the car in a parking lot, and almost took my shirt off because the tag is itchy and I wanted it off... and you know I don't wear bras...
Wow it must be so difficult to be as popular as you are and smoke as much weed as you do
Was the guy in the cowboy hat kinda hot or have I just not had sex in a really long time?
just made a presentation to 40 students and my professor about morals and ethical issues..still drunk. at 8am. I wish I could remember how it went.
Good, but still not as good as the guy I banged in the ball crawl
Randomize
