My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
The night started going down hill when she shot the cashier in the face with the confetti gun we bought at 711.
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
Just finished off a roll of paper towels. Celebration blunt?
I don't understand but I'll be there in 5
im pretty sure the clearest way to say "dont worry, im not emotionally attached" was by sleeping with his roommate the next night
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
Na Im fine, just need to un-grow this vagina I've developed
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
Well we were going to compare notes, but all I could remember was throwing up, and all she could remember was kissing, so then we decided to not compare anything.
Definitely just realized I wore a shirt that says "building leaders for Christ" to a hookup. Roll tide.
I'm not even 100% sure what it is, but if it involves Thor and Doritos, I'm in
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
The amount of illegal things I've done this weekend is astounding.
Randomize
