hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
I just got asked by a man in the alley if i would like to buy 50 dollars of meat for 20 bucks. Its been a weird day.
So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
no, she just came home, mumbled about being a gerbil out of water then ate half cooked chicken nuggets.. normal night
i dont know how he's 22 and thinks emoticons will get him laid. lady boner just died.
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
Dude get here. I just re-invented nachos. For real though. They werent real before right now
I am high playing guitar hero naked. Please don't let me die this way
I mean...he danced with his dick still inside of me. What more could a girl ask for?
you tried to drunkinly do the backflip kick off of karate kid and broke the big screen
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
.......do you have the salami in bed? I'm trying to make a sandwich.
Randomize
