Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
Let's just say a refrigerator got involved and after that I had to send him home.
Listen man this isn't about soccer. It's about America and day drinking... Your two favorite things now get your ass over here
Maybe I don't remember every single thing... I think there's a hi lighter treasure map drawn on my arm...
I just found it. I hope it leads to food.
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
there is nothing worst than getting kicked in the face by a stripper
You have like just as much sex as me and I have a brand new bf. That does not add up. That is not right.
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
I woke up and my backpack was empty. He used me for sex, and back to school supplies.
I'm pretty sure "good advice you would give to a freshman for achieving success" isn't constituted by introducing them to your addy dealer...
it is my civic duty to ensure the success of our youth.
I woke up naked next to my hot manager. Left before she woke up, and worked an entire shift with her. She has no idea.
Randomize
