I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
My RA just tried to write me up for having sex too loudly during quiet hours.
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
some gay kid said he wanted to blow him because "his eyebrows told a story"
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
That idiot. I'll see him on campus and he'll try and touch me like we're friends or some shit. 1.you're ugly 2. You dropped the blunt in the pool
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
I just trimmed my bush to manageable levels. I'm gonna take a nap and then get in there and finish the job.
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
She used to be cute, back when we were young.
Oh well, so were platform jellies. Shit changes.
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize
