I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
Calvin and Hobbes are double-teaming a butterfly. They're in the bathroom, and drawing a crowd.
he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
we did it on the golf course and he threw the condom in the pond. some poor fish is gonna choke on it
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
I went commando last night, then accidentally flashed a police van...They acknowledged it.
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
My manager just held my hair while I threw up in a dumpster. New low.
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
raging hangover at work with a lunchable dreaming of the sex ill never have. my life is perfect.
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
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