So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
I've grown up since last year. I don't give blow jobs as birthday presents anymore.
No. untill you have done a puke that contains nothing but semen and tequila, you do not 'feel my pain'
i cant do it anymore.. every time this girl orgasms she sounds like a motorcycle
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
and on the fourth day, god made foam parties.
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
I just stole some rubbers from the girl I stayed with last night so I can use them on a different girl today..
Let's stay in this weekend and play drinking games to the Winter Olympics.
As long as we can drink anytime we see a stray dog, mafia looking Russian or double toilet.
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
Please tell me im imagining that i claimed that i was king of the ducks.
Randomize
