Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
One question: Why is your trash can full of blood and pop-tarts?
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
I hate him and his pretentious your-sleeping-in-the-wet-spot look.
Dude, you bit through my nipple. Give it a week, damn.
You left for an hour, then walked up to us at the bar, pulled 80 dollars out of your bra and yelled " drinks are on him".
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
Let's do something tonight. I feel like setting things on fire.
Randomize
