i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
so i hit rock bottom, god threw me a shovel. i continued to dig.
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i was laying in her brothers bed, in his old room. and i kept getting the chills. i didn't know if it was a draft or the ghosts of BJ's past.
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
im starting to recognize places in this city by where i have drunkenly peed in public
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
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Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
Just considered playing a drinking game with powerade with my sister so she would get some fluids in her. I do so well with sick people.
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
I wanna get high and watch Shrek tonight...don't make me do it alone.
My "birthday sex" consisted of approximately 25 seconds of him going down on me in the shower.
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