Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
Get out...Run...Or there's going to be a dick in your mailbox
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
She's an ex-convict. She actually got stabbed in the face with a pen while in prison. No big deal.
I am unable to type or say "unprotected, receptive anal sex" with a straight face. clearly, HIV was a poor research paper topic choice.
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
I made it 1 week... 5 business days at my new job before sleeping with my coworker.