broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
Blood and glitter go together right?
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
WHY DID I INFORM THE ENTIRE BATHROOM I DONT HAVE AN STD?!?!?!!
She's working this semester. Her dad saw he was listed as 'the atm' on her phone and cut off tuition for three months.
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
Finally fucked my buddy's mom!! We are both ten years older and for her it really shows but i hit it!!
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