the bulge in his pants is not junk. its hair. trust.
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
almost just walked around my whole building with my bowl in my hand before i remembered 420 isnt a get out of jail free card
All I know is for some reason I was sitting naked in the hallway playing an invisible ukulele singing somewhere over the rainbow. I wonder why security came.
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
He kept waking up periodically throughtout the night to bit my ear and pass back out.
I just dropped $300 on lingerie. He better rip this off with his teeth.
The guy next to me just said he wont play beer pong on principle. Im scared.
He deadlifted me and I came just a little at the apex
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
I’m literally watching say yes to the dress, eating fancy cheeses with crackers, and I have orange dark chocolates. All of which is being washed down with merlot. And I’m 100% sure a porno is gonna go down next door tonight. They don’t have a car and arrived via taxi. Happy holidays from motel 6 Pendleton Oregon!
"Uno más" are officially my least favorite words in the entire Spanish language.
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
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