hey, what are you doing tonight?
sleeping, g'night!
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
What do you call a girl with PMS and GPS?
A crazy bitch that WILL find your ass!
About me waking up with a tatto of a hamster with a top hat ?
hey.....beach week happens
I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
Would it be sharing too much to tell you that my nipples hurt so much that I couldn't comfortably go down the stairs?
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
Getting drunk and falling down, isnt the best way to describe your hobbies, to your new co-workers.
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
when you wake up naked in a bed with glowsticks, a rolled ankle, a hangover, and a condom; alone. you wonder shit
And the last thing I remember was you in the bed with the german guy screaming "wrong hole" I laughed n passed out
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
Randomize
