do you remember how we all fit in that bathtub?
tequila
It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
A picture just appeared on facebook. I am puking in the toilet, you are next to me puking in the sink. I think we have our christmas card.
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
I blew him while watching the aristocats. There were singing cats in the background. I think he he hummed along at one point.
Like he and the nurses kept being so persistent with it and I just wanted to run out of there in my backless gown and yell FUCK OFF BITCHES IM OUT
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
dude new orleans is fucking wild these two guys just performed dueling banjos except they were actually fighting with the banjos
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
Randomize
