Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
i cant get the smell of ass out of my nose
so are you any less fat since you started doing blow?
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
Peeing in public by noon, this is not a good indicator for the day.
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
Either I put my underwear on inside out and wore it like that all day, or I had sex with him. Its sad I have to guess.
I have a scary feeling my mom might switch her goals from finding me a husband in 2012 to sending me to rehab
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
My puffy vagina and I are on the way to the doctor to see what your mutant penis did to us THANKS A LOT
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
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