I decided to name my penis gatorade...is it in you?
I'm not sure where but someone shit somewhere in the house
he ruins everything I try to do including his roommates
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
I'll even give you a complementary welcome blowjob.
Only sluts go out in this weather carpe diem boys
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
I don't have any plans for New Year's except watching anime and drinking until I can't read the subtitles anymore.
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
I love that you put so much thought and effort into your nudes
I don't send half assed nudes. Go big or go home.
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
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