My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
I wonder if he has realized that I have poured all if those shots he bought into the tip jar
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
You were throwing cups at people in the basement, yelling at them to get out of your swamp.
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
I woke up with a dick pic from the ex-Mormon via email. Not really what I wanted to see before my first cup of coffee this morning, but I gotta say, I'm impressed.
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
I can still be you friend and be there for you. And sometimes get drunk and fuck you.
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
I'm owning this being a social human being thing tonight!
You ask to touch his thighs ten times and called them magnificent.....need I say more
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
Randomize
