I accidentally burped into my bong.
When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
i was puking in the toilet, he walked in and to talk to me and started puking in the sink.. Could this be my perfect man??
i believe i can now do shots of gasoline with no chaser. its been that kind of summer.
do you ever get flashbacks of ppl you had sex with and just shudder at how gross they were/how drunk you were?
story of my life.
i am exhausted. it's been years. we both know his dick is small. the jig is up.
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
Pagan metal show. There is a folk dance happening in the mosh pit. Also, I have no idea where we are.
I just bottomed with the last unicorn playing in the background. I've hit a new level of gay.
Woke up next to a slice if pizza. From what i can tell I tried to plug it into my phone charger. No more blackout wednesdays for this girl.
Can you confirm that you aren't dead?
Randomize
