Do you feel like you missed out a little from not getting crabs in college?
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
Are my feet made of real feet?
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
I was wondering how I got the burn marks on my boobs and then I remembered....
The baked potato bra?
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
How many nights in 2015 can we have no one get injured, run away crying, or get into a brawl?
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
Last night was just a whirlwind of Mario Brothers and sex.
I came so hard my ears popped.
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
um care to explain the stolen chinchila under greg's bed..i'd be fine with it if it wasnt chewing up the stash
Randomize
