her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
i dont care. it has been a 14 hour day, and we are all celebrating by alternating shots and grilled cheese.
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
This little shit keeps eating the playdoh so i replaced the green with wasabi from work. Wonder what his parents are gonna think when he burns his soft palette?
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
Neighbour is sobbing. Difficult to masturbate.
we told you you couldn't get your dick sucked because you were a girl and you yelled at us and said we were 'discriminating you'
I was in a competition with shots tonight...shots won.
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
She was all for the threesome til I showed her a pic of my boyfriend. I think I should re-evaluate my life decisions.
Mike's letting gay guys do body shots off him again.
My boyfriend, ladies and gentlemen.
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