New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
Words of Wisdom: ordering a pitcher of whiskey cokes, putting a straw in it, and calling it your drink is not socially acceptable
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
i googled waterboarding like you asked. as long as you do it outside. we have carpet. but i wont be a part of it.
For my 21st birthday, I require a kiddy pool filled with vodka. Make it so.
She said I told her "I'm to drunk to take your bra off." then she said I walked out completely naked to go watch tv.
Also.. The Hobbit does not look like a cartoon. We were just too fucking high.
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
Woke up in a hotel room with some random guy then walked over a mile to the bus stop where I laid down and waited on the bus. GREAT NIGHT
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
Randomize
