My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
I was about to watch some really classy porn. Title was ravenous for dick. I didnt know pornstars knew ravenous was a word.
i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
I dont even think your gonna like what I got you for christmas. If not we can take it back and get drugs.
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
You can get gift cards to the liquor store! This changes everything.
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
To be honest, the last time I saw him he had a jesus costume on telling people to pray to his bible.
So he's at the chuch?
No, hooters.
Randomize
