a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
legit been throwing up since 7am. told my parents the two bowls of puke in my dorm were soup
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
Ah, I knew it wouldn't be long before my boobs were introduced into the conversation.
I love how kegs are figured into our monthly bills
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
she's sniffed three people's necks on the bus to see who the good smell was coming from...
she's gonna get diseases
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
You woke us up at 9:15 am still in your toga from last night saying "welcome to my house party...party". You had already filled up the pong cups with yaager/fireball and ordered a chicken platter... Who even delivered that that early???
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
And you hate the library
Yea but I love drugs and my grades
the cuervo was good, but I started with jello shots. and when i threw up a whole jello shot came out.
Randomize
