I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
Aqua-barf. When you are about to puke in the toilet but pass out face first instead...and then puke. WITH YOUR FACE IN THE BOWL. There is no escaping the puke ring you have on your face. I know first hand.
So I've decided to grow a vagina forest. Because I'm single and it's like a zen garden. Brings a new meaning to long hair don't care.
I dont know what we smoked last night but I woke up and found out I started writing a book called White Trash Princess. Its the best thing Ive ever read
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
Man, I want to make his penis a sandwich.
Woke up with two different flip flops on sum burnt at the beach. Who are these French kids plz come back
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
Idk if I want to put a bra on
Randomize
