Is it normal that I have to take off my pants to get mouth stitches removed?
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
The last thing I remember was you puking all over the inside of my door and him yelling "PUKING RALLY!!!"
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
May he have a McRib induced stroke and lose the feeling in his tastebuds.
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
i just had to ask the gas station attendant what state i was in... winning at life.
im in missouri by the way.
He's a douche. But I like the way he chokes me.
I have 4 more smokes and 6 more beers to go before I make a life changing decision like that.
The weirdest part of it all was wondering if I was going to take off his fanny pack or he was before we fucked
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