Yeah next time you are over I'll let you beat it on her pillows and you will feel better.
I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
We have video of him nailing the sex doll to my wall and putting all the monopoly pieces in her nose
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
Well it was tamer than the 4th of july when I blew that guy I met walking home from the fireworks
My vibrator box just fell off the table and hit my cat in the head, he is a little stunned. Good thing I went medium size
and then you two started interpretive dancing to Mozart
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
Randomize
