i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
dude i'm inner monologue high
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
jusi got death stares at taco bell because I asked if Denise was working.
we need to find that guy that whips out his cock at the bar again
he yelled at me for calling the fat girl fat. if I can't call out fat girls to my brother who do i have?
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
Somewhere along the night we ended up at a food lion giving jello shots to high school girls.
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
All I know is I drank too much, danced too little.. yet somehow woke up on the floor in the arms of some cowboy.
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
Dinner at 5, shrooms at 10.
Randomize
