would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
I'll come out for a little. I can't be visibly hungover at work again or I get written up and fired. And yes, I am aware of how alcoholic that sounds.
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
The way I see it, everyone on campus has a fake, but I'm the only person who actually makes beer in their dorm.
Pizza toast. It's like pizza but on toast. BC we are broke. OMG its so good.
You would never do this sober.
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
I'm throwing in the towel on today. The puke gods have won this war
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
Do you rver get that feeling like their are poprocks filling ur boday?
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
Floor bacon is actually really good
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
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