i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
Going back to my hometown to drink absinthe with highschool boys. Remind me to evaluate this decision tomorrow.
Your dick is once again the conversation topic.
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
Some guy just bought a handle of cuervo, a curling iron, and a power drill. Paid with a jar of change. I'm torn between avoiding him and befriending him..
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
But is that really the name you want to scream out during climax?
I think the exact words were 'I'd lett him to the weirdest shit to me'
I have just found the cubicle of sustenance. And I will rejoice at all the families that have not found this magic. This vodka cubicle of magic.
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
Randomize
