He is fucking rediculously sexy. DO HIM NOW. NOW. NOW. NOW.
I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
she had the hairiest bush ive ever seen. it looked like a spoiled head of lettuce.
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
Omg, looked at my call history, and judging by the times of calls it took me like half hour to walk home frommcds
Today, my boyfriend informed me that I look like my dad when I orgasm
Sounds like it could have been the night you pulled out your love stump at the strip club.
Scary truckers and hobos. These are the men I attract
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
There are many penises to be discovered and claimed tonight
We're like Lewis and Clark
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
should i feel bad about fucking you on my front lawn the day before you set me up with your best friend?
Randomize
