tagging him in all 73 close-ups of your cleavage might have been a little obvious.
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
if you lined all their dicks up next to eachother, it would be like at&t bars
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
I'm confused as to why I have a picture of your boobs in response to a photo of my father
Just told my mom I need money for Molly. She was not happy
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
Randomize
