i learned a valuable lesson last night. sometimes nice girls finish first. twice.
fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
I face planted right in front of a cop. He looked at me, shook his head, mumbled "freshman" under his breath, helped me up and told us to get home safely. I love college.
You could breast feed yourself wine!! This shit is genius!
My face feels like its stuck between a ball sack and an asshole.
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
Sooooooo, maybe just fucked on a motorcycle.
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
college girl with braces trying to flirt with you...time to go
I banged a marine last night. No wonder everybody respects them.
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
Randomize
