These guys are walking up and down the hallway yelling, "Yo, is this the floor with the unisex bathroom?"
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
I don't know at least half of his name. I have officially become a statistic.
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
They want me to get them some X for there wedding present. I'm on the way to get it now
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
Chuck job is nothing more than to be my dick stand when I'm too drunk to hold it while pissing
Like please, take your microdick and try to stick it someplace else. It is not welcome in my world.
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
You thanked me for a delicious cock and tacos...
Ok, there are marshmallows shaped like elephants
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
Randomize
