Hahahhahaha! Oooh get it! Ugh I am so dead but if I go to the lib whuich I will hopefully b havung sex instead, ill hit u up
I just paid $5 for a shot of el toro and the bartender wasn't even hot. Rock bottom.
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
I felt like a dog for all the times during sex that he said "good girl"
i dont care how hungover you are, go back to the frat house and get him. HE IS 11.
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
I've talked to too many cops in one week and I haven't even committed any crimes. I hate the suburbs
Is it normal, that tacos make me horny?
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
I may have made out with your roommate and your cousin tonight. In my defense I thought both of them were your cousin.
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