I heard we made out
I love how girls just decide that guys who don't like them must be gay
I do the same thing. If a girl doesn't like me...I am like, "i must be gay"
Just saw a guy from Kansas and a guy from Nebraska arguing over who had less of an accent. God Bless the Midwest.
So I'm at planned parenthood and there are 5 people here from Friday's party.
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
So his "youporn" cam totally caught me stealing quesadilla leftovers.
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
I'VE LOST MY DIGNITY, MY PRIDE, AND EVEN MY BOOTY CALL. HAPPY THANKSGIVING.
No bra. No panties. Makeup from last night. At work right now. I am trash.
Randomize
