Seriously, stop being so datable w your movie/song prefs
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
We're doing a case race on Saturday.
I'm in. I'm currently drinking a beer in the bathtub so I guess I can consider this "practice" and not just "alcoholism"
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
Somewhere between yelling how am I gonna make it to my flight and more titie shots I stopped caring
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
I need a costume
Dude just wear a bra or something hahaha
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
I'm not asking for life coaching, I'm just asking if you know where I left my underpants.
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
Randomize
