So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
My vagina smells like strawberry tangerine twist.
He yelled "HERE COMES THE WARMTH" before he pissed his pants. In front of the whole party.
I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
I made weed fried chicken. What have you done today?
Don't play hard to get, I've seen some of the girls you've slept with.
Thats why you always identify the subtext of a blowjob before you accept it.
Woke up to a break up text for a facebook relationship I didn't even know I was in... 2012 is going to be a good year
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
I know you all think its cute to drop me off in a different state when I black out, but I can't wake up in family campgrounds asking where I am. These parents are scared.
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
Basically one minute I'm sucking on her nipples and then 45 mins later we're at work and she's my boss.
I don't know what you're doing this morning, but obtaining Plan B is my number-one priority.
Randomize
