so i know my style isnt the best ever but u should have told me i was wearing two different shoes
I hope you get used to having plenty of sperm because you're never gonna get any.
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
Dude this breakup has officially hit rock bottom. sitting around watching women's NCAA basketball instead of going out
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne
I need vitamin water and Jesus :/
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
Santa tracker drinking game, you in or what?
Randomize
