my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
Is it weird that I found myself thinking of that blue chick from Avatar while she gave me head after the movie?
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
Tim john just told us the story about him losing his virginity at 14 during church on the emergency exit staircase. This is day drinking?
Update. He just picked me up and tried to demonstrate
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
I found him passed out against a dryer in the girls washroom, in front of an old woman was trying to figure out how to dry her hands.
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
Just took physics exam. I think this is one of those 'chuck it in the fuck-it bucket and become an art major' days
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
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