Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
i think i have herpe
just one?
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
so are you any less fat since you started doing blow?
Absolutely. Last time I signed up for a softball league I had sex with my high school economics teacher.
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
My walk of shame this morning would have been much less obvious if it hadn't been 6:30 in the morning and I wasn't walking through downtown Nashville in a Steeler jersey.
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
Btw I have come to the conclusion that we really need to do it in a bed. Like at least once..
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
shots, cocks, socks. bingo
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