with your own penis?
The sex was so not worth the four dollars it cost to drive over the bridge
as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
Do you think a former stripper/heroin addict constitutes as a high risk sexual partner?
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
About to throw up, bathroom line up, Bro sees me. Yells, 'PUKER GET OUT OF WAY' THEY ALL PARTED WAY THREW ME INTO A STALL AND CHEERED AS I THREW UP INTO THE TOILET. we are going back
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
I've been sleeping with the same person for about two months now, I think I know a little bit about stability and commitment.
I refuse to go to a doctor for a sex injury, not when I've come so far already
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
Randomize
