Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
he started yelling "squirt for me" then his girlfriend knocked on the door and told us to keep it down
i'm not really understanding how she couldn't figure out it was him
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
Luckily my prof thought I was puking from nerves and gave me motivational mini speeches the entire final.
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
Sunshine is the equivalent of sprinkling whore pellets on campus.
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
you just have the mind of an innocent, non-tainted child.
YOU KNOW THAT'S BULLSHIT BECAUSE YOU'RE THE REASON IT'S BULLSHIT
That's so awful of me. Instead of comforting her I masturbated in front of my ex-boyfriend.
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
Randomize
