my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
apparently I kept yelling at her that I wanted t-Rex sized lines. awesome
I hurt. I blacked out in a onesie. Reevaluation needs to happen.
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.
Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.
I am in his childhood bedroom and I feel like his trophies are applauding me and his stuffed bunny is disgusted with me. Did you know he was a mathlete?
An image of us stuck like that like Pompeii comes to mind. A wonder for future anthropologists
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
Hopefully this dress says "let me rent your house" and not "let me suck your dick for money"
I just want a boyfriend who will have sex to Disney Pandora.
OMFG. JUST WALKED IN ON A DUDE JERKING IT IN THE MCDONALDS BATHROOM
Stall or urinal?
She's walking down the sidewalk with a notebook, a pencil, and a box of cheez its while yelling profanities at small animals.... I'm going 2 ask her where she was before this.
It is like...the most transformative hard on I have ever had.
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