R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.
just credit carded her and her mom at the same time... that drunk. get on my level
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
Itll be like a collage of penis. And not that abstract, one penis in a big painting contemporary shit. Collage....
So, what my linguistics project should really be called is "I happen to sleep/makeout with a lot of bilinguals and am now using them to help me graduate"
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
he walked off and puked in the sand. then he made a sand castle over it so that "it wouldn't upset the kids"
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
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