Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
He should be on Bizare Foods after who he ate last night
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
Just checked my recent transactions online. Between the hours of 1 and 3am on September 30th, I went to 7/11 4 times. Unacceptable.
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
I woke up to a hotel manager knocking on my car ( window was down) and asking if I was ok
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
Maybe he'll be famous someday and I can forget that anything embarrassing may have happened and just say that I fucked that famous guy.
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.
That moment during finals day when you either convince your teacher to let you out of the room or you shit you pants.
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
His sex game is strong it’s like a warlord’s dick! you know what I mean?
Nope
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