Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
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Let's just go topless and paint glitter over our nipples who the fuck cares
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
We learned a lot about one another. I showed him around the town I grew up in and he informed me that he has had a threesome and killed a cat
He crawled outside into the bushes to throw up. He's just laying there now but he says he'll be ready to come home if we just give him five
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I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
Grab some lube and condoms and you get a free shirt? College is weird
The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.
Did we actually play with swords last night or did I dream that?
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
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