Being hungover naked and coloring my hair. I guess I am not naked I have black latex gloves on. Give me a call.
im coming over.
I really need to get laid. I'm telling at least 10 girls that I love them tonight.
Odds are at least 1 out of those 10 girls will be as crazy as you and will be into it.
It's not like I ment to feed you the shots of vodka, my hand just kinda slipped.
Didn't get the job. Searched for my references on FB and saw the pic of me weighing my head passed out.
The bald eagles cry cause u drink canadian beer.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
I decided staying home, watching porn and masterbating was a much better choice than the gym. And I was right.
I'm not THAT invested in seeing you to an orgasm
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
THE STRIPPER HAD A GUN JOHN!
I'm trying to fuck him and feed him. I don't understand why it isn't working.
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
I made out with that lesbian chick for a blunt. NO REGRETS.
When we were fucking he called me by his moms name then after we were done told me to call him. He's not receiving a call... What if his mom picks up?
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
Randomize
