i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
i don't mind that he's uncut. i like it! it's like a little sweater!
a cock doensn't need a sweater! especially a skin sweater! wtf.
That's like some buffalo bill hannibal lector shit.
New thing to add to the list of never wanted to talk about with my grandma: sweating in ur crouch and vag area
so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
I have decided that a Nickelback cover band would be the pinnacle of loserdom.
I just fell for a fake 50 dollar bill in a urinal. Fuck pittsburgh
can we take a shower together?
no need for the romantic shit. I'm a sure thing
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
Dude, she literally stopped, mid fuck said "I want soup" got off my dick and make top ramen.
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
He was telling me about how he's leaving on his Mission next week... While we were having sex in the back of his car.
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
I want to create a human. Discussion later.
Randomize
