This dress was meant to end up on your floor
I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
if he only knew that in between each sext i was puking.
You now know someone who has just successfully talked his way out of being arrested for breaking into the town library at midnight. Ive been home for too long.
critical mistake not lubing the nipples
im honestly just eating salsa and looking at his penis
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
Very impressive. My GPA is the same amount of orgasms I can offer tonight (valid only tonight): 3.5
i don't even know why we got arrested this time. i think the cops just like our company at this point
Can't decide if I want to watch full house or the fleet wood Mac concert during the presidential debate.
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
You have to just make a conscious effort not to make out with people when he's around if you want to keep him in your life?
Randomize
