I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
it feels like theres a golf ball between my legs. the sex was totally worth it tho.
he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
Sometimes he has weird facial hair...Basically he has a penis... that's what he's got going for him.
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
You are under a naked attack watch for the whole weekend. Shelter in place.
She picked me up from the bar in her underwear.
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
AND ONCE AGAIN, MY VAGINA HAS STRUCK AGAIN. HER PLANS TO TAKE OVER MARYLAND ARE WELL ON THEIR WAY AS SHE CONTINUES TO ENGULF EVERY QUEER IN A 10 MILE RADIUS
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
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