Dude my mom stole all your condoms
Have fun fixing the bed from last night Bob Villa.
At least you didn't call me Brittany this time
Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
Even My mom was ashamed of me bringing her home, she pulled me aside, and told me i can do better than, "butter faces"
Hey its the Filipino guy from last night. I just wanted to say sorry my friend bled all over your driveway. Great party though.
i can't decided whether the fact that her nipples are bigger then her palms is a problem or not
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
There would be some who claim I got a little "carried away" or that we "probably don't need that many jello shots". They would be wrong.
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
I have a cat for love and a booty call for sex. What else could I need?
Just walked out of the train bathroom after having sex and got a round of applause from the passengers. Definitely the best part of the trip.
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