when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
i swear to god even though i took those meds before coming here i did not hallucinate zulema silently throwing up into a breakfast burrito
Hes screaming about Slender man. whatever hes on is probably not healthy.
Unless you consider jello shots food the answer is no there is no dinner here. When u get food get more wine too tired of you coming over drinking all my booze and destroying my vagina
just run out there and shit all over the driveway when he comes.. and then point at him
I woke up in my own bed clutching a key to a Ramada in another state.
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
Mom got drunk as hell, crashed Dad's wedding and some how left with the best man. This is why you should be glad you aren't my sibling.
I woke up under the kitchen table. Andy is cursing out Joe Exotic's name in between heaves in the bathroom. Jay is trying to sleep w/ a shirt tied over his eyes. Lena and Brad braved the sun to go get bloody mary supplies and food. I'd say the Tiger King drinking game was a success.
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