I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
Nope not happening. When I close my eyes the floor moves. I'm going to enjoy this free roller coaster.
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
You ate my pie without asking. So don't get butt hurt if I send you link to plus size clothing stores.
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
i need some fresh meat. meat that has a license and a job and isn’t a FULL-blown alcoholic. partial i could tolerate, bc, haha, let’s be honest, me likey my drinkies.
I yelled at your uterus for you.
Ok. After that I think I'm going to drag queen jello wrestling if you would care to join.
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
Randomize
