It has to be really easy to get midgets drunk.
My dora the explorer band aid does not cover up the shame i feel right now
we are cloud gazing and there is one that looks like a giant baby riding a dolphin and smoking a joint
i wish there was a reasonable explanation for why this reminds me of you
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
You actually went to class. Im eating dry cereal naked and watching bring it on.
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
I'm high and I have a consensual booty call on the way and just thought that it was a good time to let you know that I think that you are a stellar person.
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
No other way to put this but the dick was not worth him crying for an hour after. No more online hookups.
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
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